Weird day.

A junior at Signal killed herself this morning, her brother found her in her room this morning - she hung herself. Audrey was telling me about it today after school. It also turns out that Emma's best friend Sydney lives down the street from her - talked to her yesterday after school and everything.

I don't know the story - she used to go to Baylor and got kicked out for some reason (I've heard drugs and sex), but she wasn't, like, on death-watch or anything. I think it was kind of a surprise.

Anyways, Emma's New Testament class talked about suicide today, so Emma brought it up at dinner tonight. So that segued into a discussion of depression, what is depression, why do people kill themselves, is it against the Bible, etc. etc. It made me really kind of uncomfortable.

Deep and personal starts here - turn back now, all ye who fear entry. Also, serious trigger warning: mentioning, brief discussion of suicide.

I know suicides often come in rings - when someone your age kills herself, it makes death that much more accessible and close at hand. Mr. Wells was talking about an idea the other day: every human quest is performed out of fear of death. I'm almost inclined to agree. The suicide-ripple-effect also happens out of jealousy too. Sometimes people kill themselves (or cut, or try to kill themselves but fail, etc.) out of a cry for attention - not drama-seeking stuff, just a cry for help. Letting people know you are struggling but don't want to say anything.

Anyways. I got all squirmy when we kept discussing it, then went into more talk about depression and stuff. Emma's a relatively unobservant person. She knows I go to therapy once a week, but just that it's "someone I talk to," but she doesn't know I'm medicated or any of my history with mental stuff (craziness). And it's not something I want her to know about. She tends to flip out and go all let-me-save-the-world (she's done it before), which isn't pleasant for anyone. But. I just really, really hate talking about suicide, and depression, and self-harm. It's almost that jealousy thing - that's the whole reason I get myself into messes to begin with, I just want someone to love me and help me out.

Anyways. Yeah. Not a pleasant discussion, I've had to pull out Anna's Survival Guide and a playlist for occasions like this and try to pull myself out of it. That's one of my massive triggers - getting kicked into a funk of my own by reading about someone else's or something. It's like dwelling on it only makes it that much more real.

Aaaaand end trigger warning :)


Also, my mom thinks I might have mono. Hmmm.

edit: oooh, also, I am super proud of myself. I deleted Ex's last voicemail from my phone. From September. Go Louise! Moving on has never tasted so sweet.