What is this, Singles Awareness Night?

Dearest Gina. You are lovely - but I really don't want you giving me relationship advice. Unless I ask for it. Which I'm not doing at the moment.

You've been single for no more than six months for the past eight years - and you want to tell me what's right? You don't know what it's like. I'm being dramatic - but you don't know what it's like. Everything has always just fallen into place with you. With Tori, with Theresa, and with Ryan.

For whatever reason, that's not how my life works. In any way, shape, or form.

And then Claire (Young) hops on Facebook and goes "HEY ARE YOU DATING THAT GIRL YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT IN BIO? LOOK I'M TOTALLY OKAY WITH YOU BEING GAY SO I'M GOING TO ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT IT :D :D :D" and then there's the awkward "...no." no one wants me.

it's really frustrating to always be the second choice.

Hi internet! Today's been a pretty good one, as far as situations go, but I have several things frustrating me that I'd like to get off my chest before I go nuts.

Primo, I no longer have any snuggle buddies! Cassy was my go-to for snuggles (and kisses), but then she (out of the blue) got a boyfriend. And I've always snuggled with Marine, who I swear has some queer in her. You don't touch someone like that without feeling something. But, anyways, Marine has a boyfriend now too! And Gina's in Israel, so I can't even snuggle with her. This is depressing.

Secundo, I messed up my toe at swing practice on Monday night, and it's still bruised and gross-looking. And I've been overcompensating so much that now I've pulled a muscle in my ankle. Yaaayyy. Swing tonight was okay - I felt absolutely awful when I had to sit out, but it just got to the point where I was going to break myself, so I stopped. I hated watching our alternate fumble through the steps though.

Triundo (...just go with it), Gina is in ISRAEL. She took off a few days early with a class. They'll be landing in an hour or so. She promised she'd Facebook me and stuff while she's gone, and I'll be at home anyways, so it shouldn't be a problem. But I miss her like crazy. I haven't talked to her in more than twelve hours, which is probably the longest time we've gone since we started growing so close. I feel absolutely pathetic, but seriously - all I want to do is reach out and know she's there, just a floor and a half above me. But she's not, and I can't wait until I hear from her.

...but then i get texts from her like this one

This is going to be awful and cheesy, but I am really so in love with him that it's kind of absurd.

...

...

how do I respond to that? yes, darling, it's absurd, because you have an unhealthy relationship and he's not doing everything for you that someone should. he's not The One, and he never could be.

i could be more for you. i could be your everything.

c'etait une bonne week-end...

friday;

classes as usual, then our first annual swing club dance marathon! three hours of non-stop dancing. I had an absolute blast. There weren't a lot of good leads (guys) there, but I bounced around and had a great time with the people that were there. but holy hell was I sore the next day. owww.

things that are funny: gina insisted that I come by her room so she could see me all dressed up before I left - and she was checking me out hardcore. granted, I did look fabulous - it was nice to put some effort into my appearance for once, and I went all-out.

since gina was on RA duty, we were supposed to hang out afterwards (she couldn't leave the building and was bored), but then her boyfriend showed up, so that plan fell through. not gonna lie, I sulked a little bit, especially since we'd been planning our friday night shenanigans for a couple days. but things turned out okay.

saturday;

well, ryan (gina's bf) didn't stay the night, so I heard from her bright and early asking what I was up to. she was packing for israel (she's going with a class for spring break), but once she finished we grabbed brunch and made a little side trip to cvs for razors and conditioner. super snazzy.

I love my little road trips with gina, even if they're just down to the dining hall. I slide into the front seat without question (even when we're driving with other people), and we settle into a peaceful quiet that's incredibly rejuvenating. Lately she's had the CD I burned for her playing.

I went down to the library and homeworked with Tara for a while, then I trekked back up the mountain for a dorm program on 'healthy living' that my RA wanted us to come to. Gina was there, so she gave me the BTS phone (I've been on call for 30 hours, but there hasn't been any action) and binder.

Ryan was supposed to come over Saturday night around eight, so when Gina showed up at my door then - alone - I was a little surprised. her plans with ryan had gotten tweaked, and she was coming to vent. yes, I am totally okay with this.

So she sat down across from me and vented for a while, but then I crawled into my bed and she joined me. We leaned up against each other, nestling head into shoulder and looking up at the ceiling while we talked about our cats, and her going to Israel, and our favorite flavors of poptarts. We lay there for a while, until she absolutely had to get up and go shower before Ryan finally showed up. But...it was really, really nice. Really nice.

in which she is fucking ridiculous

first off - we went on an adventure this afternoon. the weather was absolutely beautiful, so I texted her and we set off to the sculpture garden - aka lehigh's secret art space.

so we wandered around the woods for an hour. it was glorious and so, so easy.

we had a brief text convo tonight about how she's on RA duty this weekend, then we said goodnight or whatever. But then she texts me again.

Does anyone call you Lou?

Some of my old friends do :) I like it. Feel free to utilize any nickname you'd like.

Haha, okay. I realized I started calling you that in my journal, and I wanted to know if it could travel into real life. :)

this girl. she is fucking ridiculous. because we're so perfect for each other.

Dear parents,

I'm sorry, but this is my life now. And I'm going to live it how I see fit. Even if - Especially if - that means accepting who I am.

I absolutely cannot do this.

I have NO motivation to do anything, which spirals and makes me feel like an awful person because I don't have motivation to do anything, and THEN I do badly on everything and I feel like even worse of a person.

I just can't do this.

Everyone's smarter and better than I am.

why am i here?

no but seriously, this is ridiculous

texts:

I know you've probably had enough of me for a weekend, but could I come by later? My grandfather left me a voicemail asking why I hadn't responded to his email, and I'm kind of at a loss.

Haha, I could never see enough of you. [...]

tweets:

Love you too! Needed that right now. RT @LouiseMcCallie: In other news, I have so much love in my heart for @gmason04 and@howielu.

Nights like this keep me sane. Going to bed super thankful for all of the amazing people in my life, but especially @LouiseMcCallie. :]

You're my favorite :] <3

And you are mine! :P

little moments:

pressing up against me when we were at coffee hour

throwing up her hands - "I leave you alone for two minutes and you go and meet people?"

laughing

parking

why am I such a horrible person?

dear grandfather - I don't want to call you back, because I really don't want to get into an argument about women's rights with you. This is not the way I had planned my Sunday to go.

dear grandmother - I'm sorry I'm not picking up the phone. I have calculus to do. I will call you later - I love you, ok?

dear suzanne - same. i love you. i'm sorry i'm a horrible person.

I have all these feelings and I don't know what to do with them.

She's my best friend. She's my best friend right now. But oh my god she's so beautiful. She's so beautiful and so gay and I don't care if she's taking a break from dating girls, she's queer all over.

And she loves me. She loves me. We talk all the time - share our days, our histories, our music, our futures, our sex lives (or lack thereof) - it's all fair game. Because, to a certain point, our lives are open. I would tell her anything, and I think she would do the same.

I've asked her about just about everything - everything except the rape. The sexual assault that marked her as a "survivor" and still haunts her. Because I will not put my light through that, not again. It's hard enough when we have sensitivity training and the assholes are over there saying "I mean, it's okay to say I raped that test because I didn't really rape it, because, like, you can't" and she's just shaking next to me, and I want to break faces like nothing else.

She lets me touch her. We cuddle (sometimes), and I know that once we warm to each others' physicalities we will even more.

We'd be beautiful together. I could make her happy. Hell, I would make her happy. Because she's given me so much of her at this point, I know. We'd be bright and shining as the sun.

But she's my best friend. We go on road trips to her home town and share playlists and check out Unitarian churches and Tweet each other adorable little sentiments. I can text her any time of the day and have her to myself, save for when her boyfriend's over. And she introduced him to me - I'm important enough in her life that she wants us to forge a connection.

And we're living together next year. She got so excited when Tara decided we could live with her - she hugged me and wouldn't let go. And every time I mention it she smiles. She calls me her "friend from school" and "we're living together next year," because I'm important enough in her life that I'm part of her future and her past and her present.

She won't marry him, as much as she thinks she might. He has too much in the way - he's a man, for one, and he can never understand her passion for women and everything we are. He's stubborn, he's mopey, he's needy and drags her down. I don't see it lasting.

And then next year, when we're living together and he's in LA...that's when the real test will come. When she breaks up with him.

Who knows when it will be. It certainly won't be at first - they'll have crazy, passionate sex in LA and when she flies back to Pennsylvania they'll Skype every night and whisper platitudes of love until they fall asleep on the phone together, but when she wakes up each morning she'll still be alone. She won't have Ryan every weekend to hold her and to kiss and to love. And he'll mope and she'll get frustrated and sit in her room and cry, because she misses having a hand to hold. And then I'll hold her, I'll cuddle her and braid her hair and kiss her neck while we listen to soft music and watch queer films - and then one day maybe she'll be drunk or I'll be drunk and we'll kiss, and I'll be number sixty-one on her list.

And then she'll realize that oh, there you are - I've been looking for you forever, because I'm here and so much more than he will ever be. I will buy you that fucking picnic basket. I will take you sailing and walking and running and we'll go to plays and movies and maybe even climb a mountain or two, if you feel like it.

She misses dating girls. She misses sweet-lady-kisses and soft skin and bodies and soft lips and pearls, and she misses her tagline of 'queer.' Dying her hair is her way to bring the world's eyes back to her - because even though she's not a lesbian anymore, she can still talk about Theresa and Tori and fly the flags and wear that adorable little hat with the 'love is love' pin all in rainbow.

But I love where I am for right now. I can wait, I'm a patient person. And maybe I'll date someone in the meantime - some queer girl will melt out of the woodwork and we'll have a brief (but passionate) fling and it'll either end very well or very badly, but she'll hold me either way, so when it's her turn we're even.

One day we'll talk about it. I'll be honest - tell her that I want to find someone like her, and she'll say something, and it'll be casual and over, but it'll stay in her head because that's what it does.

And then, one day, the stars will align.

Sometimes I can't tell if I'm being friendly or if I'm flirting. I would either be a really awesome girlfriend or a really terrible one.